Panic Disorder - My Story: The Crash - Part #1

I was 19-years-old when I graduated to a profession, on that very spring I also flew first time to another country without my parents - it was exciting and I stressed a lot, but it was tolerabel since I was travelling with a friend who had more flight miles on his belt. At this point of my life I had felt being introvert, extrovert and anything between, but I was rather shy and worried kid. I was always scared of doing something wrong and being laughed at. Trying anything new was huge struggle between playing it safe or taking the leap. I also hated family parties (where was a lot of relatives I saw only once a year or so). The more stranger the worse it was. I didn't know what to say, or how to be, I had to wear clothes that I didn't like, mostly because they made me feel itchy.

That summer after the graduation I was working in a baking factory, mostly night shifts and I did not sleep well or nearly enough on that summer. I like the job and the money though. People at the factory were funny, somewhat easygoing, time to time too angry and even grumpy, but still, if something went south, there were people helping eachother. It was one kind of a family - which I haven't been able to say about any of the workplaces after that.

After Summer: Autumn

I got selected into a University in another side of Finland, so did my spouse. We both lived with our parents and it was time to move together while we moved to new city to start our studies. At the autumn we started moving our stuff little by little to our apartment in new city, she started the studies and I postponed mine, because of upcoming military service in January next year. So I still drove to get stuff from my parents house and I had couple of weeks work left at the factory.

The Crash

One sunny sunday afternoon in autumn I was driving to my work shift at the factory. It was a 3 hour drive. I got sleepy while driving and started to yawn. As a rather new driver and car owner I was little uncertain of which exit of the highway I should use to get to the first gas station after the beginnign of yawns - so I missed that. Not too long after that I dropped into a sleep state behind the wheel.

I woke up and opened my eyes just to see that windshield was cracked in so many points that I couldn't see through it anymore, and at the same time I heard a bang and the side window on front passenger seat got broken into pieces and rained over the passenger seat and my lap.

Car radio was still playing music loudly and eventhough car had stopped already, motor was phasing, I was still pushing down the gas pedal.

I was in shock and it was hard to get out of the car because drivers door was yammed. I couldn't believe that what just happened. At this point I just could hope from the bottom of my heart that no one else got hurt.

However, I managed to turn the car of and get out of the car. Some woman pulled their car on the side of the road and came to ask what happened. For some reason I answered "the usual" and she looked at me and asked "drunk?".. I corrected that NO, I just felt into sleep.

So there I was between the roads in the middle of highway. Two car lanes into each direction and cars bypassing at the speed of 120km per hour. My car blocked one of the lanes. I was sitting on the lawn and shaking. Looking at my car that what the heck just happened and on the otherhand I was happy that no one else got hurt. I was also able to walk and I didn't bleed or anything.

Following months

I survived from the crash with couple of bruises and shock. Car didn't - it was done. I got sick leave of the last weeks from the factory work. For the next months I was so stressed at the car when someone else was driving that it was constant fear of death for me. Of course I couldn't say that to anyone because it sounded so strange, but that's what was happening in my head. I also avoided getting into the car all the times possible.

It was so bad that I physically felt that I am going to pee in my pants if the car doesn't stop right a way! It was so humiliating and embarrasing. In 3 hours drive I wanted to stop 4-6 times to a gas station to get to the bathroom. Sorry for the details, but I think it's important here. When I got into the toilet, nothing happened. In the car I was sure that I need to change my pants if I wont get to the bathroom ASAP, but when I did, nothing happened.

Thanks to my father I was able to get a new car couple of months after the car crash, eventhough I was horrified of driving it. It wasn't quite as bad while I was driving, because then I was more in control, but it was still bad, really bad.

Once my father was driving me to home, he was making a call while driving and I just watched as horrified that he is not looking at the road 110% of the time. I was ready to grab the wheel to safe the situation, and he yelled at me when I tried. My father has drived a lot because of his career and also on vacations we had travelled a lot by car, he driving it. But my fear, my horrified mind didn't recognize that. Only thing that was going on there was about the fear of death while on the road.

Driving Again

When I got the new car (it was used ofc), I was extra careful driver. I slowed down in each curves eventhough it wasn't necessary, night before driving I wanted to get a good amount of sleep, if I felt even a little bit sleepy or especially if I started to yawn while driving I pulled the car on the side of road if gas station wasn't near. Sometimes if possible we changed the driver. It wasn't ideal, I felt bypassing slow drivers on biderctional roads, I hated to drive at dark and I was afraid of wild animals, other drivers and myself, and of course mechanical issues with the car. Anything that could in any way cause a crash and death, I went through all the possible scenarios in my head while driving back then. And that at the double speed if I was sitting on the passenger seat.

Here was the first part of the story, and eventhough here was now mentions about panic disorder all of this is relevant to the story. Stay tuned for the sequel.