My Personal Journey with Gambling Addiction

As a kid I received scratchcards as birthday gift, I saw slot machines in every gas station, grocery store and kiosk. People around me, from young to elder, played slot machines and lottery. It felt normal, adult thing, exciting and easy way to get some extra cash. Although those games were restricted to 15-year-olds and upwards, every now and then we got to play slots with my friends.

In this writing I'm covering briefly my journey with gambling addiction, and this shall be the first post of 31 posts series.

Early stages

As a teenager I didn't have regular income, pretty much what I got as a present or from fixing and selling PCs. When I turned into 15 and got a scooter we started to go play slot machines together with my friend. We drove 13 kilometers to neighbour city's grocery store, becaues in there lobby had better selection of slot machines, and perhaps smaller possibility to be seen by parents or friends.

Fast-forward to age of 18, I was in my postgraduate studies and there for about two years we gambled all the time. We played cards with a money bet between lectures and at the lunch break. Even when we went to bowling we had a bet that who ever wins gets the whole money pot.

At the same time I got my first summer job. I got to know a colleague who claimed he had been making a living by playing online poker. I think that was the first time I got registered to an online casino. It started with free poker tournaments, between workshifts I went in to local casino to play slots and when at home I joined to free tournaments online.

Not a single euro was saved from working for two summers and part time during the winter. I had spent all my salary.

For the background, at the time I was still living with my parents and I didn't really have any expenses.

Decline in activity

I got in to University of Applied Sciences and it was time to move out. New city 300km away from parents, and at the same time moving in together with my girlfriend back then, exciting times!

There was struggles, health issues and such, but thats another story.

Studying went well, I got a lot of new friends, I lived rather active live. I did gamble, but it wasn't a headache at this point. I did get study loans and gamble parts of it, I did do side gigs, and purchase electronics, and gamble the rest.

I was a big dreamer, actually I still am, always has been that way. For some reason putting in the effort hasn't always been a thing for me, so easy money from online casino was tempting.

Anyhow, while my studies at University, although money was on thight, gambling was happening more like on the background.

Escalation

While still in University I applied for a job as a software developer and got the job! My income skyrocketed from what it was as a student, but I had a long list of things I wanted to have.

Purchasing new TV and almost everything in installments, stress from new job, stress from finishing school, relationship issues - none of that wouldn't help if you have no idea how to relax and recover.

I spent my freetime at the local casinos playing slots and rushing back and forth at ATM to get more cash. When I was bored, happy, sad whatever, I found myself playing at online casino. Bets got higher, losses got higher. I got my first loan without telling about it to my girlfriend.

If you lose all your one month salary before paying your part of the rent and food expenses and other invoices, what would have you done in my situation?

Well, I got loan, paid the bills, and gambled more. And tried to figure out how to get more money.

From that point it was mainly downhill. More loans, bigger loans, bigger losses. I started job hopping to get bigger salary, at some point we weren't able to discuss about money with my girlfriend - or to be honest, no one could talk about money with my at that point. I was super stressed and anxious, and worst of all irritated on the topic.

We broke up, I started to get debt collection letters and I was sued from several debts, I always managed to make a deal.

This mental circus of life continued and escalated for years.. While debt kept growing..

Realization and Impact

I wasn't that sure I had a gambling problem. Actually I didn't know anyone who really had one. I had have big wins, but then I just went into "tilt mode" and lost those winnings. I was thinking more like that its a money problem than an actual gambling problem.

Think it this way. You are sneezing, it's hard to breath through nose, little bit fever, and nausea. Is that normal or not? Well you know its probably a flu, you know everyone has it sometimes - and if not, you could go to see a doctor and then get some explanation.

For me with the gambling addiction it was more like money problem, because the money was the concrete issue. I did know that I have lack of self-discapline and that was one reason why I thought I was not able to deposit winning back to bank account.

I tried to solve my money issues by gambling and taking loans, at some point I tried to get organizing loan guarantee from one place, but the queue was 6 months or so, and I had no time to wait, or just had lack of consistence.

After the break up I had come to state where I had to start talking about my life, and funny enough it was my two colleagues. They shared similar stories and struggles torwards money, without gambling problem though. I got an idea of getting help for gambling problem, and found an forum for gambling problems.

Seeking Help

There this one girl - younger than me - wrote every month how she had gambled and lost all of her salary and was forced to loan money for rent from a friend. Every month she wrote that this was the last time gambling, but it got worse.

At that point I realized that wow! I'm not only one functionin this way. The exact same is happening to other human beings. Although this story didn't tell how to get better, it gave me some sort of comfort.

A Couple years later I finally applied to a peer-group to get help, unfortunately I got a message that the group is not happening. Half a year later I got mail from them asking if I'm still interested, that now it would happen - I thought that I had a good phase and no need anymore. Oh boy how wrong was I..

I kept putting bans on casinos and fast loan companies. But always I managed to find a new one.

The way out (for me)

I had struggled for many years and my second relationship ended. It was a huge strategy for me, since I was already been on the edge way too long. I started to seek help with my mental health. I got meds and therapy. After second failed relationship and a year of trying to get big loans to merge all smaller ones was failed miserabley - I kept gambling still..

I had to make choice. I am working every day with no savings, nothing to own, I am stressed as hell, anxiety and sadness all the time. I'm in so huge debt, that I'll never be able to pay those off by working normally.

I made a hard decision to stop paying my bills and to get sued from all of those and then National Enforcement Authority of Finland would start to collect money from my salary each month - and they proxy it to all the debtors. It was a hard decision, but only way to manage. There is limits how much they can take, so first time in 5 years I had money for rent and food without stress of which bill I need to leave unpaid. They took 1/3 of my net salary each month.

After making that decision, something finally aligned in my head. Something just clicked. After that I didn't have any need nor want or even a temptation to gamble. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy and it wasn't just because of that one moment and decision, it had years of thought and experience behind it. But that was the very moment when I stopped gambling.

Life After Gambling

Following months was hard, since I got enforcement letters and I was little unsure what all would happen. I did see dreams where I gambled and remember waking up in the middle of night all sweaty and sad that why I still gamble - just to realize that it was only a dream!

Handling money and paying bills on time wasn't easy, loaning money from friends continued, but oh how easy it was to breath when I didn't actively dig a bigger hole for myself anymore!

While going to market or gas stations I knowingly looked otherway if there was any slot machines, and tried to ignore scratchcards and lottery tickets at the cash register.

If I got anxiety or sad or so, I called to a friend. Usually went for a long walk while talking with them in the phone - this is only the good side of it, I did also spent a lot of time in bed or sofa being inactive, day dreaming, being sad and taking naps.

Later same year I got burned out so bad it affected to my short term memory and sleeping, so I had to take a sick leave - which lasted for almost two years, but gave me time to recover and rethink my life.

How to make shit something good?

I have never believed in not talking about my past, and because my past is richly colored by gambling addiction, I felt the urge to turn my negative past into something positive. That was helping others - what would be beneficial for me when I was truggling, I can now share my experience to help others.

By this date I have been 4.5 years without gambling, lottery nor scratchcards or any kind of money bets. I have been volunteering to help others who want to quit gambling and I am currently doing gigs as expert by experience.

Meeting others, and helping others with same background gives me great purpose in life and I have got plenty of new friends this way - I'm part something bigger than myself.

Conclusion

I have had depression, burnout, panic disorder and gambling addiction. I was never able to believe that my life would change to better, nor I could stop gambling. Still, here I am. Living my best life, still in debt, but I have all I need, I have a job, I help others, I have good relations with my family and friends.

If you are in a tough situation, first thing is to tell somebody else. Don't be alone with your struggle, get help and don't give up!